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霹雳惊雷，主赐安稳

    去年四月，一直健康的我突然间被诊断得了肺癌，并且已经不能手术了！但是感谢主，当时真的是很奇妙的感觉。当医生告知我是肺癌晚期，弟兄在一旁流泪难过，我却很平静，嘴上和大夫寒暄着，脑海里似乎听见有声音说：你得救了，因为信。接着脑海里浮现出一个场景，就是在圣经里读过的，一个患了血漏的女人摸了耶稣后背的衣服，耶稣感受到了，就回头看着她说：你得救了，因为信。我当时觉得很神奇，因为我不是一个很沉稳的人，有点事情就会忧郁或焦虑不安。此时，我为什么会这样平静？我不是该哀哭难过，心里惶惶那快终了的日子吗？为什么第一个出现的念头是主说过的话，第一时间想到的是圣经里的文章？我把这段奇妙的经历说给几个姊妹们听，她们都说是因为我的信心强大，得着主了。我却在自问，果真如此吗？那我的信心又是从何而来？当时我受洗快4年了，但是平时却都忙碌于家庭孩子工作等，甚少读圣经；主日去教会，也是被孩子纠缠只能呆在幼儿室，很少去听道。偶尔问银梅姊妹关于圣经的问题，听她的讲解；也会因为生活工作中的琐事，听她用圣经中的道理为我开解；不定期的参加我们教会周五的查经活动。我对圣经的理解多数就是来自这些有限的活动和对话。按理说信心应该是随着对圣经的理解和认识越多，而越强大。我只是一个学渣，怎会有如此信心？

渴慕真道，信爱互增

    我很想弄清为什么在常人看来痛苦的时候，我的心里仍有平安。在住院的时候，我开始了认真的学习圣经，听网上的圣经讲道，读Morning Revival，感觉自己渐渐的由学渣向好学生转变了，虽然我现在离真正的好学生还差得太远。我也感觉自己的灵命在慢慢成长，信心也越来越强大。我一直相信有神的存在，但是以前的信是有些歪曲的，含有宿命论的消极想法. 我错误的认为神高高在上，拥有至高的权柄，想怎样就怎样，他怎会顾及我们这些卑微的人呢。现在我相信神，有种积极的感觉，不仅仅相信神的存在，更是相信神爱世人，也感受到神的爱, 信任他会为他的儿女做最好的预备。我渐渐的喜欢上了祷告，和神在灵里交流，安心的将一切都交在他手里，在交流中常常被神的爱充满，也惭愧我对神的爱不及神爱我的万分之一。

    有一天，我读到“爱和信是不可分割”，我的灵突然被大大的感动了。那一刻，我突然意识到我内心的平安的真正来源是神的爱！在我认识神和爱神之前，神就施爱给我；在我对他仅有粗浅认识时，他就把芥菜籽那么小的，信心的种子埋在我的灵里，使信在我灵里逐渐成长。在当时那一刻，我的灵命里真确感受到了神的爱，相信神一定会救我，所以才会听见神的话，回忆起圣经里的片段。神是那么的爱世人，我是如此幸运地得到神的爱，并且还因着疾病的打击而深切地体会到神的爱。在我寻求认识神的过程中，爱的力量让信心得到了成长，成长的信心又让我学会了爱神，越爱神越能感受到神的爱，这爱又鼓励伴随着信心的成长。爱和信互相效用，不可分割。

主内肢体，胜于亲人

    感谢主，尽管我对自己为何会如此平静的面对医生的诊断有着疑问，内心的平安并没有一瞬而过。在长达两个多月的住院治疗期间，我心是平安的，在出院后半年多的慢慢康复期间，我的心也是平安的。我心一直平安的原因，因为有神的爱，有神在我身上显示的神迹。熟悉我的人知道，我还有两个学龄儿童需要照顾。住院的头几个星期我的情形非常不好，弟兄昼夜在医院守护，无法分身照顾孩子。我肺部感染的并发症是事发突然，我们完全没有做好安排好孩子的计划。感谢主！主虽然把我放在暴风雨中考验，他却给我提供了我都不敢奢求的帮助。Grace姊妹自己身体也不太好，还要全职工作，却主动地和Jim弟兄承担了照顾我家小朋友的任务。宏姊妹统筹帷幄并亲力亲为，安排我认识的或不认识的朋友姊妹帮我送可口的病号餐；还为孩子们四处寻找联系夏令营。当弟兄有事不能在医院守夜，银梅姊妹主动来陪我，睡在医院又窄又硬的陪护床好几晚。更不用说众多姊妹弟兄们为我祷告。作为父母不曾为孩子做到的，作为丈夫无法为妻子提供的，神借着姊妹弟兄的手都做到了，而且远远超过我们的期望。这就是我心一直平安的原因，因为神一直在保守着我。他虽把我放在风暴里，但他并未将我遗弃在风暴里，而是将我置于磐石之上，使我稳妥，又大大动了善功，让我的灵苏醒并成长，给了我心不曾想过的各样地帮助。

医治疾病，神显作为

    当朋友家人得知我的诊断，都难过地说，怎么会这样呢？是啊，我平时甚少生病，也注意锻炼，怎么就会毫无征兆的得了大病呢？我也在问自己。从属世的角度，医学的解释会将病因和我的基因，生活习惯和精神状态联系上。我也试图从属灵的角度来看我的病因。前面我说过，当我对圣经仅有粗浅认识的时候，我的认识是歪曲的，常常会按自己的想法解释圣经的教义，从来没有将圣经中的道理当成真理来看。我认为有道理的，就拿来用用；觉得没道理的，就在心里说好荒诞，弃之不理。当时真的是又骄傲又愚蠢，但是却不自知。在逐渐对圣经有了更多认知后，我才认识到自己的谬误，得罪了神，受到神的管教。认识到这个后，我的态度还蛮好，没有抱怨神把这么大的疾病降在我身上，经常祷告祈求神原谅我的过错。祷告后，心中充满了喜悦，感到神既然来管教我，必是爱我的，爱我的神也决不会丢弃我。我把神在我身上的善功当成仅仅属于自己的救恩。

    直到有一天，我听道的时候，听到圣经中的这一段。“耶稣过去的时候，看见一个人生来是瞎眼的。门徒问耶稣说，拉比，这人生来是瞎眼的，是谁犯了罪，是这人呢，是他父母呢。耶稣回答说，也不是这人犯了罪，也不是他父母犯了罪，是要在他身上显出神的作为来。” 是的，世人都犯了罪，亏欠了神的荣耀，但是神爱世人，派他的独生子来拯救世人，用他的宝血洗净了我们的罪，重建了我们和神的关系。这时我醒悟到是我犯了罪，得罪了神，但是神已经赦免了我的罪。我的病不是神的惩罚，神的善功也不是仅仅给我的救恩, 而是通过在我身上显出神的奇妙作为，使世人都知晓神是信实的神，是living God, 并使神地名得到荣耀。

仰望主恩，全身奉主

    因着神的保守，我从卧病在床不能行走到慢慢康复能够工作；因为神的保守，虽遭如此大的变故而且远离家人，却仍有主内家人的细心照顾。神在我身上显出的作为并不仅仅局限于康复我的身体，更重要的作为是医治我的灵。医生可以诊断我身体的疾病，但是检查不出我灵命里的疾病。当今医学昌明，肺癌也有医药治疗延命，但是没有任何药石可以医治灵命的疾病。神是大医者，他不仅仅医治我的肉体的疾病，更是使用祂的大能拯救我的灵命。

    以前的我是骄傲的，即便受洗以后也是凡事凭着血气，相信和倚靠自己的能力，从未想过要仰望主。几年前我的膝盖做了关节镜，医生说过五天我就可以活动做了手术的左腿了。于是第五天我就开始试着从卧室往客厅走，可是当左腿刚刚接触地面，承受部分身体重量，我就感到钻心的疼痛，随着迈出的每一步，疼痛就加剧。我告诉自己，相信自己可以走过去的。短短的不到十步的路，我挣扎地走了大概30分钟，走完后衣服的汗湿透了。骄傲的我，在练习走路之前也拒绝服用止疼药。

    这次出院后，我也是需要重新练习走路。由于卧床太久，肌肉无力，体力大减，而且由于癌症转移到颈椎，直立行走时感到颈部巨大压力，疼痛难忍。这次我仍相信我可以克服肉体上的痛苦，但是这次的信并非来自我的血气，而是来自于仰望主，相信主的指引，相信神在我身上必显示他的美意。锻炼时虽然忍着身体上的疼痛，但是凭着神增添的信心和力量，每走一步没有挣扎，只有内心的平安。     在以前的生活中，我都是凡事靠自己，从未想寻求神的帮助，寻求神的引领。若不是神籍着这次肉体上的疾病，让我走上真正寻求神的道路，我是不可能发现我灵命里的疾病，更不可能籍着神的大能的手康复我的灵命。只有内里的灵命健康强大了，才能帮助我医治和克服肉体的疼痛。感谢主，我没有浪费主给我的试炼，身体的疼痛提醒我时刻要仰望主，每走一步我都在内心感恩主在我身上彰显的作为。我写下这个见证不仅仅是提醒自己神在我身上动的善功，牢记要凡事依靠神，要全身心的服侍主，更是希望用我的见证能让世人知道神不是高高在上冷漠的神， 而是充满爱和恩典的活神。

郑存革

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A thunderclap, yet Lord gives peace

Last April, I was diagnosed with lung cancer out of the blue after having been healthy all along, and it was inoperable! But thank the Lord, it was really an amazing feeling to me at that time. When the doctor told me that I had the late stage of lung cancer, my husband was in tears sadly, but I was calm. While exchanging pleasantries with the doctor, I seemed to hear a voice saying, “You are saved because of faith.” Then a scene came to mind, which I had read in the Bible, where a woman with a flow of blood touched Jesus’ clothes from His behind, and Jesus felt it and looked back at her and said, “You are saved because of faith.” I thought it was mysterious at the time because I am not a very calm person, and I get depressed or anxious when something happens. Why was I so calm at this moment? Shouldn’t I have been weeping, grieving, and fearing for the end of the days? Why was the first thing that came to mind the words of the Lord, and the first thing that appeared to me was the verses from the Bible? I told my sisters in the Lord about this amazing experience, and they all said it was because my strong faith and I had gained the Lord. But I was asking myself, “Is that really true? Where did my faith come from?” I had been baptized for almost 4 years, but I was busy with my family, children, work, etc., and seldom read the Bible. I went to the church meeting on Sundays, but I was pestered by my children and had to stay in the nursery, and I seldom listened to the word of God. Occasionally, I asked Sister Yinmei about the Bible questions and listened to her explanation; I also let her explain the truths to me because of the trivial things in my life and work. From time to time, I attend our church Bible study on Fridays. Most of my understanding of the Bible comes from these limited activities and conversations. It stands to reason that faith should grow stronger with more understanding and knowledge of the Bible. How can I have such faith when I am just a flunker?

Thirst for the truth and increase of faith and love mutually

I wanted to find out why there was peace in my heart when it seemed painful to ordinary people. While I was in the hospital, I began to study the Bible seriously, listened to the word of God online, read Morning Revival, and felt that I was gradually transforming from a school dropout to a good student, though I was still far from being a really good student. I also feel that my spiritual life is slowly growing and that my faith is getting stronger. I have always believed in the existence of God, but my previous belief was somewhat distorted and contained negative ideas of fatalism. I mistakenly thought that God was high and mighty and could do whatever He wanted, so how could He care about us humble people? Now I have a positive feeling of trusting God, not only in His existence but also in His love for the world and in His love to make the best preparations for His children. I gradually fell in love with prayer, communicated with God in the Spirit, and put everything in His hands with peace of mind. I was often filled with God’s love in my communication and was ashamed that my love for God was not one ten thousandth of what God loved me.

One day, I read “Love and faith are inseparable”, and my spirit was suddenly greatly moved. At that moment, I suddenly realized that the true source of my inner peace was the love of God! Before I knew and loved God, God had loved me. When I had only a rudimentary knowledge of Him, He had planted in my spirit a small seed of faith, as small as a mustard seed, so that faith would gradually grow in my spirit. At that moment, I really felt God’s love in my spiritual life and believed that God would definitely save me, which is why I heard God’s words and recalled the fragments from the Bible. God loves the world so much, and I was so fortunate to have received God’s love and to have experienced it deeply through the blow of my illness. In the process of seeking to know God, the power of love allowed faith to grow, and the growing faith allowed me to learn to love God. The more I loved God, the more I felt God’s love, and this love encouraged the growth of faith along with it. Love and faith are mutually effective and inseparable.

Members of the Lord are better than relatives

I thank the Lord that, although I had doubts about why I was so calm in the face of the doctor’s diagnosis, the peace in my heart did not pass away for a moment. My heart was at peace during the two-month-long hospitalization, and it was also at peace during my slow recovery for more than six months after my discharge from the hospital. The reason my heart was always at peace was because of God’s love and the miracles God showed me. Those of you who know me well know that I still have two school-age children to take care of. The first few weeks of my hospitalization were very bad, and my husband was in the hospital day and night, unable to take care of the children separately. The complication of my lung infection came out of nowhere, and we had absolutely no plan to make arrangements for the children. Thank the Lord! Sister Grace, who is not well herself and works full time, volunteered to take on the task of caring for my little ones with brother Jim. Sister Grace coordinated and did everything herself, arranging for friends and sisters I knew or didn’t know to bring me delicious meals for the sick and looking around for summer camps for the children. When my husband was not able to stay in the hospital, Sister Yinmei came to stay with me and slept in the narrow and hard hospital bed for several nights. Not to mention the many sisters and brothers who prayed for me. What parents could not provide for the children and what husband could not do for the wife, God did all through the hands of our sisters and brothers and far exceeded our expectations. This is the reason my heart has been at peace: because God has kept me. Although he put me in the storm, he did not abandon me in the storm; he placed me on the rock, stabilized me, conducted greatly good works on me, awakened my spirit and grew in me, and gave me all kinds of help that was beyond the expectation of my heart.

God performs miracles to heal the sick

When my friends and family got to know of my diagnosis, they said sadly, “How could this happen?” Yes, I usually rarely get sick, but also pay attention to exercise. How could I have gotten very sick without any warning? I was asking myself the same question. From a temporal perspective, the medical explanation would link the cause of the illness to my genes, habits, and spirituality. I also tried to look at the cause of my illness from a spiritual perspective. As I said earlier, when I had only a cursory knowledge of the Bible, my understanding was skewed, and I would often interpret the Bible’s teachings as I saw fit, never seeing the truth in the Bible as truth. If I thought it made sense, I used it; if I thought it didn’t, I said in my heart that it was absurd and ignored it. At that time, I was really proud and foolish, but I did not know it. It was only after I gradually gained a better understanding of the Bible that I realized my error, offended God, and was disciplined by Him. After realizing this, I had a pretty good attitude, not complaining that God had brought such a great disease upon me, and I prayed often for God’s forgiveness for my transgressions. After praying, my heart was filled with joy, and I felt that since God had come to discipline me, He must love me, and the God who loves me will never abandon me. I took God’s good work in me as my own salvation only.

Until one day, when I was listening to a message, I heard this passage in the Bible. “When Jesus was passing by, he saw a man born blind. The disciples asked Jesus, Rabbi, who sinned against this man that he was born blind, this man or his parents? Jesus answered and said, Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God might be revealed in him.” Yes, the world had sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, but God loved the world and sent His only Son to save it, to cleanse us from our sins with His blood, and to rebuild our relationship with God. At this point, I awakened to the fact that I had sinned and offended God, but God had forgiven me of my sins. My sickness was not a punishment from God, nor was God’s good work a mere salvation for me, but a demonstration of God’s wonderful works in me, so that the world might know that God is a faithful God, a living God, and that God’s name might be glorified.

Look to the Lord’s grace and serve Him with my whole body

Because of God’s preservation, I went from being bedridden and unable to walk to slowly recovering and being able to work. Because of God’s preservation, my family in the Lord took good care of me even though I had such a big change and was far away from my own family. God’s work in me was not only limited to healing my body but, more importantly, healing my spirit. Doctors can diagnose my physical illnesses, but they cannot check for my spiritual illnesses. Today’s medical science is so advanced that there is medicine for lung cancer to prolong life, but there is no medication that can heal the disease of the spirit. God is a great healer who not only heals my physical illness but also uses His power to save my spiritual life.

I used to be proud, and even after my baptism, I trusted and relied on my own abilities in everything and never thought of looking to the Lord. A few years ago, I had an arthroscopy on my knee, and the doctor said that I could move my left leg after five days. So on the fifth day, I tried to walk from my bedroom to the living room, but as soon as my left leg touched the floor and took some of my body weight, I felt a sharp pain that increased with every step I took. I told myself that I believed I could walk across. I struggled for about 30 minutes to walk the short distance of less than 10 steps, and my clothes were soaked with sweat afterwards. Proud of myself, I refused to take painkillers even before I practiced walking.

This time, I was also in need of practicing walking again after being discharged from the hospital. Due to being bedridden for too long, my muscles were weak, my strength was greatly reduced, and because the cancer had metastasized to my cervical spine, I felt great pressure on my neck when walking upright, and the pain was unbearable. This time I still believed I could overcome the physical pain, but this time the faith did not come from my blood but from looking to the Lord and trusting in His guidance and that God would show His good will in me. Although I endured the physical pain during the exercise, with God’s added faith and strength, there was no struggle in each step, only inner peace.

In my previous life, I had always relied on myself for everything and never wanted to seek God’s help and guidance. If God had not set me on the path of truly seeking Him through this physical illness, I would not have been able to discover the illness in my spiritual life, much less recover my spiritual life by the mighty hand of God. Only a healthy and strong inner spiritual life can help me heal and overcome the pain of my flesh. I thank the Lord that I have not wasted the trials the Lord has given me. The pain in my body reminds me to always look to the Lord, and with every step I take, I am inwardly thankful for the Lord’s manifestation in me. I write this testimony not only to remind myself of the good work God has done in me, to remember to rely on God in all things, and to serve the Lord with all my heart and soul, but also to use my testimony to let the world know that God is not a high and indifferent God but a living God full of love and grace.

Ellen Zheng